KISMET "a letter of pain"

I hate goodbyes. Because it reminds me of the things that will never come again, of the battles i had and failed. But today, this very same day, i had to say goodbye to my "kismet", my destiny. While i'm making this notes, i'm crying real hard. Because this serves as my goodbye to you, the word i hate most. I hate to end our relationship hon, but i just have to. Habang me natitira pa kong pagmamahal sa sarili ko. I need to do this for you to realize  my worth. Even if that means i should have to let you go. Tama si Mommy Ella, i need to think and love myself first before loving someone else. Pero aaminin ko mahirap. Ngayon pa lang hirap na hirap na ko. Pero wala namang masayang paghihiwalay di ba? Lahat may katumbas na sakit. And at the same time, a lesson learned. Iniisip ko ngayon kung pano ko uli umpisahan buhay ko. How can i start anew? I got use to having you beside me. Waking up in the morning knowing that you're just a text away. Ngayon puro pamamaalam na lang ang alam kong sabihin. Ang kaya mong isagot. Ang sakit. Walang katumbas na sakit. Para  akong pinapatay araw-araw sa bawat minuto ng bawat oras. If only i can turn back the hands of time. I would like it to be when it was only you and me, when i was the only important  person in your life, when i was your only priority, when you can't take your eyes off me. Nung panahon na gusto mo halos araw-araw ako kasama. Ngayon ang dami ng nagbago. Hindi  na ako ang top priority mo. I wish i can turn back the hands of time. Ibabalik ko 'to sa araw na nakilala kita and i will cherish all those moments and will try my very best to remain that way. If only i can freeze the time. Sana lagi na lang tulad ng dati. Maybe i won't feel this numbness inside. Madaming sana sa isip ko ngayon. Na sana mas naging best pa ko para  sayo. Maybe i've done something wrong kaya ka nawala sakin. But i think God has a better plan. Maybe He wants us to went thru all this Para sa huli mapatunayan natin kung tayo nga talaga. Sana uli ganun nga. I would love to feel all this pain over and over just to be with you in the end. Sorry hon, sorry for all the floss, for all the nagging and for all the doubts. Sana binago ko yun, siguro di pa tayo napunta sa situation na 'to. It must be a different scenario, a different way. Pero wala. Andito na tayo sa sitwasyon na 'to and i can't do anything but to endure all the pains. Honestly hon, i can't live in a world were you don't exist. Kaya eto ako now, iniisip ano ng mangyayari sa mundo ko. I always tells you that i'm willing to love you for the next lifetimes to come. Totoo yun. Kahit paulit2 ako masaktan basta ikaw ang rason at basta nararanasan ko pa ding mahalin mo, pipilitin kong kayanin. But now i've realized, tao lang pala talaga ako. I do have limitations. And this is it. I've reached the maximum tolerance of my patience. I want to hold on hon. Really wanted to. But all the situations tells me to stop. All the people around me told me to let go. Even Nanay Verba. Oh, i just simply love your mom. She asked me if i'm hurting too much, when i told her yes, she told me to give up, to let you go. Kasi  daw tinuring na niya kong anak din niya so she doesn't want to see me hurting. Isn't that sweet? She said she understood if i have to let go of you. Para din daw ma-realize mu sa huli kung totoong mahal mo nga daw ako at kung magbabago ka daw para sakin. I simply can't explain what happened. We used to be so happy, so in-love. Pero ngayon, feeling ko ako na lang ang ganun. Although i know and i can still feel your love, parang di na lang tulad ng dati. Alam ko naman na mahal mo nga talaga ako. Maybe it's because you're still young and just want to enjoy your life. Kaya hahayaan na muna kita i-enjoy ang buhay mo. I won't interrupt with your life now. Sorry honey, mahal po kita. Mahal na mahal kita. T.T You will still be my kismet, my love, my fate, my soulmate and my DESTINY :) No one and nothing can ever change that honey. ILOVEYOU so much my kismet :-*